No Signposts EP: losing faith

Winter 2015: I was sitting up late into the night, alone in my friend Ben’s recording studio, pouring out my heart with my guitar and my songwriting book.

At the time Lily and I were firmly embedded in the christian world. We’d been involved in churches for years, studied at a christian performing arts school, got married super young, and I was the worship pastor at church. I had already begun to think for myself about certain issues, one of them being LGBTQ rights, and had been sharing openly about the things I was listening to and feeling strongly about. The resulting reactions from christians (both to my face and behind my back) as I grew, explored, and shared, began to erode my sense of safety within the church. After sticking it out for far too long, it became clear that we needed to leave.

It was a very lonely time, and for a few years it felt like the only people who understood what I was going through were strangers on the internet. I dove heavily into studying the history of christianity, philosophical critiques of it through the ages, other expressions… It started to become clear that much of christianity was closer to the religion and empire that murdered Jesus than it was to his life and teachings. If the way of Jesus was to question religious corruption, control, oppression, it’s relationship with power, and to stand with those who were suffering under it - to the point where they killed him for it - then maybe I had to be ok with not belonging inside of religion too.

Christ seemed more compelling and moving than ever, but for the same reasons I was well and truly losing my faith in the western church and the core message of christianity (atonement).

These songs were birthed from this season. Losing faith; finding curiousity, openness, growth.

I lost a lot, grieved a lot, processed a lot. Still unpacking things. I found new friends, new authors and teachers, a new way to live and move through the world.

I lost my faith, and found something better.

Five years later, winter 2020, I finally felt I understood my journey enough to give these deeply personal songs the life they deserved. My friend Jordan and I completely filled the back of the family wagon with musical instruments and recording gear, and roadtripped to the shores of Lake Taupō for an appropiately moody, wet, weekend; recording by the fire with bottomless arcoroc mugs of port. I shot photos over the trip to accompany the project, which you can see on the website nosignposts.nz, where the project can be experienced in it’s entirety.

Maybe I should get these songs and stories on the road sometime?